Oh, the power they yield in their diminutive little beings! These judges, selected from the most elite connoisseurs in the world, seem to be taking their jobs seriously. Well, at least someone is. With all those little Activas dancing it out on the sidelines, it’s getting tough to stay focused.

Hold on, the judges are calling in a lifeline. Yes, you heard me – the contest gods decided that judges could use some help too. And here it is to the rescue… Wristwatch Annual 2008: The 432-Page Catalog of Producers, Models, and Specifications.

And finally, it appears that they have made their decision! The $10 Monopoly beauty contest second place prize goes to…”

And… another right hook bashes his face. Now, that’s gotta hurt! Really, I don’t know how G-Cheese is still standing. Mad Dog has banged him up so bad, it’s a wonder the match is still going on. But it looks like he just won’t give up. Hanging by a thread, it’s doubtful whether his battered body will be able to make a comeback at this point, but you gotta give the guy some credit – that’s a lot of perseverance.

Hold on, hold on – maybe I spoke too soon. What’s going on here?? Mad Dog is simply standing in the ring, fists down, leaving himself completely exposed. And here comes G-Cheese, ready to strike! And… he’s down! Will Mad Dog get up? He’s just lying there, completely senseless. And the match is over!! Give it up for G-Cheese, the new champion!!

One second, what’s all that commotion coming from Mad Dog’s team? His controller unplugged during the match? Sorry dude, shoulda got yourself a wireless nunchuk like G-Cheese over there.”

Holding hands, again. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five… Your internet connection has been reset.

“They’re after us! Run faster. Come on – don’t think about them. Just run as fast as your legs can carry you. And whatever you do, don’t look back. We can’t let them see your face. Nooo…” Loading, please check your internet connection.

Running, again. Faster, faster. Nooo… Buffering, please reload the page.

“Doctor, Doctor, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been able to sleep in over a week. I hear ticking in my head and sit curled up, waiting for bombs to explode. Then, I see aliens and weird creatures coming after me. I think I’m going crazy. Help me, please! Oh, you have a solution? You’re writing me a prescription?? Thanks so much, I’ll go to the pharmacy right away. A Netgear 3G Mobile Wireless Broadband Router? Umm, okay, do you think my insurance will cover that?”

Really, I’m kind of embarrassed. I don’t know how to tell Mom though, cuz she’s so excited about the whole thing. She even took out the special occasion flatware set she never lets us use. Yeah – the 112 Piece Stainless Steel Flatware Set in the Temptations Floral Design. Well, apparently, our fourth cousins are worthy enough…

Speaking of the devil, here they come. One second, is that a truck filled with hay? Is the driver unloading… Oh no, are you thinking what I’m thinking?? This can’t be good for Mom’s social life. Quick, go hide the flatware!”

Anyway, like I was saying, these tunes have got me jumping like crazy here. Haven’t gotten such a good workout since that 100-yard touchdown last month. But, you know what? I can’t give all the credit to Lady G. Without these awesome 5 in 1 Wireless Stereo Headphones, the experience would not be all that great. Don’t believe me? Man, these babies would probably make Britney Spears sound fantasticle.

Hmm, okay, I’m thinking that maybe these headphones aren’t the greatest for my masculinity. But I just can’t help it – it’s just like so totally awesome, like you know what I mean? Hello? Hey, you still there?

I’ll follow you until you love me, Papa papa razzi….”

And who’s gonna go mess with that kind of fame? Maybe your wife who’s doing a long overdue early spring cleaning… But other than that, like I said – you can never have too many DVDs… So say hello to Ernest!

The name of the future, the one who has inspired a nation with sheer brilliance –IMPECCA.

No, he doesn’t have a last name, cuz he’s cool like that and doesn’t need one. His bio speaks for itself: 5.1 Channel Surround Sound TV Stand/Home Theater System With Six Speakers, Powerful Twin Subwoofers, SRS TruSurround HD/HD4 Technology, and 130 Watt Output.

Need I say more? Oh, and by the way, you’re looking at one of the frontrunners for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Ohhh, to enjoy the lavish warm rays of the sun, to walk outside without looking like a wobbly doll with arthritis, to alter the chalky paste-colored complexion they call skin. The joy, the wonder, the excitement…

Preparations for the marvelous season are already under way… Don’t know what I’m talking about? Check out our site tomorrow!

For the second time this winter, we have been slammed with a full-fledged snowstorm – a real blizzard, the type Frosty would go home to his Mom crying about. The sky literally opened up and refused to stop showering us with its infinite supply of ice-cold confetti.

The scene was kind of beautiful, but as usual, there was work to be done. Our hard-working employees immediately began shoveling the pathway for the delivery trucks. After much strenuous labor, the road was cleared and room was made for the transport of your packages. Or so we thought. A mere twenty minutes later, a fresh 2-inch layer of snow had covered the ground. Okay, once or twice may be a funny joke, but not twenty. But the snow refused to listen to the heart-wrenching pleas emanating from our employees’ aching backs.

To all our awesome customers, I would like to just say that we did our best and are attempting to get your packages to you in the timeliest manner possible. But please, be patient… The chiropractor should be in later to offer his diagnosis.

Technology has now taken away those simple pleasures. You can no longer use the – “Oh, I’m sorry I’m late, I got really lost” excuse. That is, unless you want to look like a caveman from the 16th century. With the hundreds of GPS systems out there, there is no leeway for aimless driving.

But come on, doesn’t it sometimes get annoying to listen to that authoritative little voice telling you exact what to do and where to go. Aren’t the car and the open road supposed to symbolize freedom? “Turn right in 500 feet.” Well, maybe I don’t want to! What are you gonna do if I turn left, huh?? No, stop recalculating!